Of monsters.

6/28/2015

"Yes, Mother. I can see you are flawed. You have not hidden it. That is your greatest gift to me."
Alice Walker

In winter, in darkness, I sometimes pull my feet onto the bed swiftly. I feel the swipe of a hand just missing my heel, the blood flooding my heart despite the unfounded fear that something is lurking and hidden beneath where I sleep.

Summer is different.
We see the monsters, sharp in the light.

Amy Meissner, textile artist. From the post Of monsters. www.amymeissner.com/blog/of-monsters

Anchorage, Alaska.
Sunrise, 4:24 am. Sunset, 11:41 pm. A total of 19 hours and 17 minutes of daylight. A loss of 1 minute and 11 seconds from yesterday.

The sun is persistent and we do not sleep.

A recent morning, this exhausted petty thing:

9-year-old boy, with sweeping gesture: "You aren't taking enough care with my breakfast."
Me: " ... ?"
9-year-old boy, with the gestures: "Your plate always has extra stuff on it."
Me: "Uh huh, like last night's brussels sprouts and kim-chi? Or maybe you're referring to the dietary fiber I'm sprinkling on my eggs."
9-year-old boy, with glassy eyes: "No ... you're food just looks nicer. You make it look nicer. Just for YOU."
Me: " ... "
6-year-old girl, turning to boy: "You're being mean to Mom."
6-year-old girl, turning to me: "I don't want fried eggs, I only like poached. Don't make me fried because I won't eat them."

I do not feel like defining the term "short order cook." I do not feel like cooking. I do not feel like eating. I do not feel like feeding these children. I do not feel like chasing after the stomping 9-year-old. I do not feel like resuming the school-morning breakfast schedule (M,W = oatmeal, T, Th = eggs, F = cereal). I do not feel like rinsing dishes. I do not feel that cold cereal every morning is the answer. I do not feel like being here. I do not feel like deciphering baby talk. I do not feel like being angry about this. I do not feel like being honest. I do not feel like I'm cut out to be a mother, the tipping point a god-damned plate of food. I do not feel like feeling all of this.

My creative work has stalled and I'm snapping and swiping at heels.
There is no satisfaction in my clawed-for bursts of production, in this hunt for artistic clarity, in what feels so selfish on my part. Time.

Tomorrow it could all just disappear. It has for other mothers.
I know this.
I fear this.

I lose my mind to darkness. I lose my mind to light.
Every year, twice a year.
Here, in this northern place.
I know this.

Monsters hidden.

Monsters revealed.

Leviathans surfacing.

Time, measured in minutes and seconds, slips away.
Here.
I know this.

It doesn't make it easier. I am a mother, a woman, with flaws.

Related posts: "Into darkness" & "Soul fever."

19 Comments

Christine Byl

6/28/2015 03:28:18 am

And therein lies...everything.
Thank you for being the urgent candor in my morning reading today.
xox
CB

Amy Meissner link

6/28/2015 11:36:41 am

Christine,
Henceforth, I prefer the title "Urgent Candor" to "Mean Mom." I will request the name change immediately. I'm very pleased to have been someone's morning reading.
XO
Amy

Mo Crow link

6/28/2015 04:13:10 am

naming the monsters...

6/28/2015 11:37:49 am

Mo,
There's power in naming that which terrifies us.
XO
Amy

6/30/2015 01:56:36 am

from experience naming the monsters amuses and encourages them to shapeshift into new ways to scare me but that's cool I do enjoy the shiver in getting scared

Roxanne Lasky link

6/28/2015 06:58:02 am

Amy,
You are tired. You have accomplished much. Rest in the valley between the high ground. Your work will echo across the hills for the while.
And children (even 29-and 33-year-old children) will always challenge us, even though they love you and accept you for who you are - even though you would lay down and die for any one of them or get up and make eggs for them - they will never stop pulling the poetry out of us- in any light!

6/28/2015 11:42:24 am

Roxanne,
What a lovely image you've provided of hills and valleys and threads of poetry being drawn across it all -- thank you for this.
XO
Amy

Shenandoah herda link

6/28/2015 08:50:36 am

Can I save up and buy this one?! Love it - I always think to myself, will this be cute at 16, or if my mum was standing next to me? If not, I know I have to do something - unfortunately - too often!

6/28/2015 11:45:04 am

Shannon,
Thank you for the support (always!) and yes, I'm getting glimpses of the teenagers they may become ... the teenager I very much was. Pay back.
XO
Amy

kate link

6/28/2015 06:02:06 pm

I hear you! (my morning mantra has a slightly coarser last word). I have no words of wisdom, just a bit of morning empathy ... X

6/28/2015 11:55:27 pm

Kate,
You mean you aren't sharing your coarse British word? I'm ready to try it out, just in my head, of course.
XO
Amy

kate

6/29/2015 04:27:52 am

Colloquial "excrement" with a long rather than short "i", ending with an emphasis on the "t". Enjoy! X

Lorie McCown link

6/28/2015 11:08:00 pm

Ya~got it. Post show thingy~this ebb and flow of the juice is a biggie..it's still there, just simmering a bit.. I'd take Roxanne's advice. And oh, yeah, teens..heh heh...

6/29/2015 12:03:37 am

Lorie,
That last "heh heh" is added with such glee! Help me now.
It IS a post show issue and while that's been in the back of my mind I've been so focussed on the perfect storm in front of me I failed to see that particular rogue wave. Thanks for putting it perspective. Awesome. Now I feel even more shallow.

And when was it that we were getting together for drinks? Oh wait, I'd need a babysitter. I know! YOUR kids!

XO
Amy

velma

6/29/2015 07:48:33 pm

well, of all this, and yes, we artist moms all know it, those wonderful sea critters in your kid's hands move me. you will always know those hands.

helen link

7/1/2015 03:50:39 am

Thankyou as always for your post, you write with such clarity and insight.

I've been trying to imagine living with days of so much light, then swinging back to nights that last all day... and really, I think it would make me much more crazy than you sound! I think you should be kinder to yourself... you've just had an amazing first solo exhibition, and now you need a little pause, while everything rearranges itself, and the new work will be there without forcing it.

And as the sun swings back, everyone will be saner for a while.

Helen

7/1/2015 10:41:24 am

Helen,
Thank you for your kind words of wisdom ... spoken by an artist. Things have already begun to rearrange themselves this week (not tidily, but, anyway). Looking forward to some more sane days ahead.

XO
Amy

Ingrid

7/2/2015 06:43:56 am

I raised a daughter with flaws? Impossible task.

Michelle

7/6/2015 02:25:29 am

Amy...I can so relate. Your honesty, as always, is refreshing (for lack of a better word) and cause for much self examination. Thank you!

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Of monsters.

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